Now that I have finally stepped out of being affected by people's scrutiny,
Life takes a backseat and I could really take a deep breath and live my days with much ease.



The vicious effects of losing their love one has been the most venomous poison of all mankind. Making people lose confidence in themselves, and end up feeling all so negative. And these malicious evil things glue itself to people, and not many can actually break free from it.



How much courage does it take, to have your confidence stay strong? Despite countless fingers pointing at you with disgust and infinite pairs of lips muttering about you in repulsion? But I don't care. I sold the weapon to npc.



Through all the supports from my friends and family, I gain much motivation and inspiration to live my life with more courage and determination.



Go ahead and try to bring me down.



Scold me.

Bitch me behind my back.

Leave me thinking I'll go after you.

Tell me you're actually loving me but I made it end.



I bet you will be so disappointed.



Very.



If people wants to leave me out, I won't humiliate myself and plead for forgiveness and change myself into something I can't even recognise just to fit in. I won't even ask for the reason why. I'll just screw them off before they do. But to you, I didn't know why. I really changed for you, so much. I didn't complain anything for what you have done.



Hide things from me again. Show me ambiguity. Tell me I need to gain your trust. I'll say,



"Fuck you."



If you don't wanna share, I won't even waste my time.



Think I can still be hurt? Try me.



I dare you.



Any last resort? Try violence.

But just a gentle reminder, I specialise in it.





But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame.
Cause you dug your own grave.

Teach me how to undo the done.
Teach me how to resurrect the dead.
Teach me how to salvage the perished.
Teach me how to reverse the irreversible.

Teach me how to heal... a broken heart.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This time,
It's really over…

Should I start by telling how much I love you? Or should that be the way things end?

There were times I really regretted what I did. But maybe because I was too impulsive, or maybe it was because of ego, I never failed to break your heart. Recalling how many times I had broken your heart and caused you so much unnecessary pain, I feel like taking a knife and plunging it into mine.

There was actually someone whom loved and cared so much about me, yet all I know was to keep hurting that heart. It must have been very hard on you. Come to think of it, you were the source of all my joy and laughter, but it seems to me that I brought you more sadness than smiles.

I failed utterly as a lover.
I failed even more utterly as your lover.
The way how things have turned out, I could not blame anyone except myself. You said it wasn't my fault. But when I think it all again, I know the way I complaint made you feel so stressed and pain. I'm sorry, once again.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I could carry on my life without you.

You said you love me. You said you are really addicted to loving me. You didn't know why, but you said you would stand by my side forever.

And you told me, I'll never end up as one of your previous ex-s.

Our relationship got challenged by the test of time. We, or rather, I myself, gradually forgot about the love between us. I took things for granted. I took you for granted.

The times I had with you were truly the happiest months I ever had in my whole life.

But now you're setting the path for me... I've no more choices besides leaving you...
I'll leave... Since you're happy with it =)

You were everything I could ever wish for.

If you won't accept me in this lifetime,
Will you accept me in the next?
Because I'll still be waiting... I promise...

Very few people take an instant to see the light. Others take longer, while some never.

Just now, I scrolled up my inbox reading the message you sent me, those printscreen of your words that u told me... And everything seems to dawn on me...

All along I had failed to realise my actions had been tiring you out. My constant stubbornness had been the reason for our meaningless quarrels.

I forgot the most important thing about our relationship. Love. It wasn't a battle of who's right and who's wrong, what's fair and what's not, who's dominant and who's submissive. It wasn't about "face" whenever we quarrel.

It was all about Love. It was all about getting along together through good and bad times. It was all about the things we ever shared. It was all about the feelings we had for each other.

Too many times we tiffed about insignificant little things that not only did not strengthened our bond, but made it weaker. We lost count how many times we quarreled about those small matters. You said I was the one who created all the unhappiness. And from what I can see now, it's all true.

As I read the messages and viewed the pictures one by one, I couldn't believe what I had done. Time and again I was pushing your limits, testing the love you had for me. Never once did I stopped and realised that there's a limit to everything, no matter how much love you felt for me.

Every time, I had always been the one causing all the conflict, starting the quarrels and breaking your heart. I must have hurt you really bad, for these incidents happen not only once, but too many a time till we both lost count.

Our quarrels would always end by you giving in. You would always be the one who make the first move and apologise to me for making me angry. You tried to comfort me by telling me alot of stuffs. But silly me never once realised, what I did broke your heart too. The times you apologised increased by the numbers, yet until now I can’t even recall a single time when I had been the one to give in and said sorry.

You told me to give you some time. You don't want me to think negatively. And you need my trust. But I failed to give u those. Yet I want you to do what I want perfectly. I want you to be mine all the time. I know you tried so hard... When all on my mind was nothing but negative thoughts, you were already sparing a thought for our love... I know it. And I know I made u feel tired and disappointed by chatting about those topics again and again...

I'm really sorry...

I must have been such an inconsiderate jerk. Please forgive me.

I want to apologise for everything I've done to hurt you.
I want to tell you I finally understood everything.
I want to show you the new me.
I want to be the best love you ever had.
I want to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you.

And NO. I won't give up easily this time.
I ain't gonna break down and admit defeat in this relationship.

I love you... That's everything =)


You're the reason my pulse is beating,
And there's no way I can live without you...

Haha =.= Come and blog again... Forgive me that I'm really too bored. And this is the only thing that I can do now...


Somethings, just ain't allowed to be blogged.. Seriously, I've some feelings just cannot stay undercover any longer... But it's just that I can't confess it to everyone. LOL =.= Anyway, thanks to my darling. She is the one who encourages me to blog. Oh well, this is really a good way to express my inner most feelings.


It's really hard on myself sometimes. When u have so many probs and u need a listening ear.. And u know where to prob lies? No because no one's there to listen to u, but u just can't find the right person to tell..


I'll find a way to release these bottled feelings... Maybe a hidden blog where no one's gonna know the url cuz i won't be making it public and there's no way i am gonna reveal the site. Argh...


Ok. Stop the silly thoughts. Haha.

And this is the first time I blog about the physical happenings.


Well. Quite enjoyed yesterday. Went to pyramid with VK and Stephanie. It's been quite a period I never saw both of them. Anyway, the purpose of meeting up is just that I received an early warning letter from my previous school and they wanted to pass for me. =.= Ok I know I'm lame. EARLY WARNING LETTER?! It sounds so serious.


Actually I decided to transfer to Taylor's College from Monash University in this sem. But due to some particular reason(-_- ), I failed to transfer in this sem. So I have to wait until the next intake to start study. And then I didn't go to Monash University to do the cancelling stuffs. I was just really lazy. Hence =.= they sent the letter to ask me whether I want to continue.


Anyway, was really so enjoy. I'm back to Sushi King! I really really love Japanese cuisine sooooooo much. And we ate too much =.= Gosh trust me u will faint when u catch sight of the receipt.


After finished our 'lunch' (well we had our lunch at 4pm+), we went for a movie - the Forbidden-Kingdom.
The story is about an America teenage magically transported back in time to Ancient China. He has a mission which is to bring a legandary weapon to free the imprisoned Monkey King.


It's quite an interesting story actually. An America teenage is trying to perform Kung Fu with Jacky Chan and Jet Li. LOL! It's really funny. Finally something made me laughed and forget about the misery of those complicated stuffs.


After the movie I quickly went back home cuz I thought I'll be pissed by the jam. Yeah sometimes I DO hate KL life. Jam jam jam.




I've finally reached a point...
Where there are things i can't reveal...
Where there are things i can't say...



I don't see myself when i look into the mirror anymore...

As what Ann said in the comments... Sometimes looking at my own blog makes me emo too.

I question myself.

In many relationships, we usually see that there's always a party more dependent on the other. That person would also be the one that needs the other more than vice versa. And would usually be the one hurt should the relationship comes to an end.

As such, some of my friends decided to brace themselves up, and never to become that more dependent party of the relationship. They call themselves independent, and always tell me that I shouldn't be over-dependent to him.

Even himself asked me to be independent too. He needs space for himself.

Independence no doubt is good.
Being over-dependent is not healthy too.

But, is LOVE supposed to be a bond between 2 independent parties that can simply move on? Or should the 2 parties be equally dependent on each other?

I heard a true story from my friend. He once had a pair of lovebirds. They were a couple, and happily in love. One day the male lovebird passed away. From then on, the female lovebird stopped her daily share of cheerful singing. She began to cry a very heart-wrenching moan and refused to eat. My friend did all he could to help her, including buying another male lovebird and even setting her free. But nothing worked. Less than a week later, the female lovebird passed away too.

Is this what love is supposed to be? A balance of dependence on each other? Neither a party being overly-reliant on the other, nor 2 parties being too independent.

I believe so.

Your silence hurts me more than sonic booms...

When you think that you can't live without somebody,

Take a step back, and take a deep breath.

Look at your surroundings, at others who truly cares about you.

Tell yourself you've done no wrong, believe in yourself you've done your best.

Spend more time on those who are worth it, and less time emo-ing about things

And then you'll slowly see, you can live without it after all...

There's just too much that time cannot erase...

Well.. The thing I always worried finally happened.
You finally appeared to me since we didn't contact each other for such a long time.

Before I begin, I have to clarify that this post is writted under over-emotioned. DO NOT expect good English.

I am really confused. And I can't tell it's about whose faults.

How long was it...? Oh sorry I really can't remember. But it was such a miserable period I had.
I loved you. TRULY loved you.

How much reasons have you given to me?
You have no enough money, you lost your job, your parents quarrelled everyday, your grandfather passed away and your phone spoilt.
I trust you. I SWEAR.
And I will never think they are just excuses that you simply shraged to me.
(Could you just stop saying that I never trusted you at all?
It's so fucking iritating.)

Yet, I said I would wait for you. You didn't answer.
I asked you how many times that when you would be back to me. You didnt answer.
I texted you. You didn't reply.
And I asked you. DO WE HAVE THE CHANCE TO BECOME LOVERS AFTER YOU LEFT THE GAME? You didnt answer me too.

You didnt dare to face the questions I gave to you.
So did you think about MY FEELINGS?
Do you know how miserable I was when you didn't reply my message and ignored me?

YOU DIDN'T DARE TO FACE OUR PROBLEMS YET YOU BLAMED IT ALL ON ME!!

Why can't I accept him since you never gave me an answer about our future?
What promises did you give to me and did you fulfill them?

No, YOU NEVER.
Don't you think you're really selfish?


I'm truly disappointed to you,
Since you used those words to scold me.
And those words made all the feelings towards you FADED AWAY, totally.
I just couldn't trust those words were come from you.
It hurts. It really does.

But please remember.
I'll never hate you, cause I loved you.
But please... let me go...

Sometimes I wonder, if I just suddenly vanish from the face of earth, what difference does it make?

I asked my darling BB a question today. How if I suddenly go disappeared one day? What will she do...?

She told me she will follow me. Follow me to leave this online world together...

I'm sorry.

Sorry for having such a selfish thought.

But sometimes I really feel like leaving it like this.

I can't explain why. Nevertheless there is a covert in my heart.

And it makes me nearly CRAZY.

I'm so tired. Tired of running a role like this.
Tired of everything I had now.

Sometimes I will just think. Why am I doing these?
Shouldn't I doing several more meaningful besides by doing all these?

You can say I'm trying to use a chance to fade away from everything and everyone. Fade away from the role of being Shan and Ye Er.

I ain't myself...
And it sucks, it really does.

If I suddenly vanish, don't be sad.
But please remember, I still love you. =)


I will move on without you someday,
Only to realise I ain't myself...

ALL ALONG I BELIEVED IT WAS MY FAULT. THAT WE ENDED UP IN DIFFERENT WORLDS OF OUR OWN. THAT IS YOUR PERSONALITY, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING MUCH.

YOU BLAMED IT ALL ON ME. YOU ASKED ME WHY I ALWAYS QUARREL BECUZ OF THOSE SMALL MATTER TO MAKE THE SENSATION BETWEEN US BECAME WORSE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR PROMISES?

YOUR PROMISE THAT YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE NO MATTER WHAT?
YOUR PROMISE THAT YOU'LL BE THERE FOR ME ALL THE TIME?
YOUR PROMISE THAT YOU'LL CHANGE YOURSELF?
YOUR PROMISE THAT YOU'LL LET ME CRAFT MY NAME ON YOUR NECKLACE?

DID WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT ME GAVE YOU AN EXCUSE TO BREAK YOUR PROMISE?

AND WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST,
WHERE ARE YOU?

WHERE ARE YOU?

Enough.

I'M REALLY VERY TIRED...


You'll never think about me.

Tough times may not be over yet, but at least I'm not feeling so miserable now.

Instead of spending all my time and effort trying to salvage things, I've decided to use my time and effort trying to let go and move on.

Of course, either way is not going to be easy for me. But, I decided to move on because I am really sick and tired of everything.

Therefore I say,
I GIVE UP.

In fact, I would not be the person I am today, if it wasn't for all the difficult moments and all the difficult times that I've survived through. What was seemingly negative then, turned out to be such a positive for me.

There had been too many lies, backstabbing and mistrust. All the drifting apart, plasticity and evil schemes.

It didn't take long for me to see the true colours of the fakers. All their lies, plasticity, fag-hag actions and acting. I believe in retribution, and one day their turn will come. What comes around goes around. I have nothing more to say.

But the most disappointing fact was the backstabbing and betrayal of my friends. To think I trusted them implicitly. Yet they betrayed my trust and stabbed me from behind.

I had naively thoughts. I always think that even the friendship is come from online game. But the friendship is REAL.
Yeah, friendship is real, indeed. So fakers will appear in the same time too. Even it's just only a game.


Trust me, I'll grow stronger from it all, I swear.

Suddenly,
I don't know what I want exactly.

Suddenly,
I don't know what it takes for me to be happy once again.

Suddenly,
I blanked out.


Suddenly,

I lost myself.

------------------------------------------------------

Well... I dun really know how to start a blog.
In fact, I'm not that good in writing. Pardon me, sorry. =)

Have played Perfect World for nearly 1 year.
Did I gain anything? ... I don't know. I can't tell myself I get someone I love.
Does he love me? Does he really care about me? Does he really ... need me?

I spent some times on waking up myself from the previous relationship.
I attempted to give up everything... It's really sooooo tough...


Yet I'm feeling more miserable now.

... Should I fall in love with him?

I've really no answer. I'm lost.....

I just wanna feel that im needed to u...

But sometimes i feel that im like nobody...

Do you ... really love me ...?

Disappointed.
Totally...

Sometimes I don't stop trying,

Because I believe it's not the end.

Sometimes I refuse to give up,

Because I believe there is still hope.

If I ever get too irritating,

It's because I care.

If I ever get too noisy,

It's because I need to be heard.